I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
