he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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