Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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