I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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