Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
