mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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