She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
