I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
