I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
