so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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