You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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