This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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