Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
