My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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