My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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