I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
