well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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