does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
