I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
