I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
