I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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