I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
