Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
