Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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