I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
