You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
