He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
