My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
