I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Sober January is a disaster.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize