I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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