this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
