all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
