Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize