Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
