On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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