If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize