The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
