i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
