I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
