You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize