do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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