Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
