I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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