On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
