Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
