I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
