Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
