u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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