the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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