he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
then he tried to convert me to islam
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
