what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
