just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
MIDGETS
????
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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