I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
