while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm just crazy horny about you
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
