did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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