but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's no shave November. This is our time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
