Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
