So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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