I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
