Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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